Busting the BuffetExcerpted from The Book of Zines
Greg Beets and Buzz Moran's
Hey! Hey! Buffet! serves
up generous portions of news and reviews about the grand tradition
of stuffing your face. "Nothing illustrates the social kinship
of America and the late, great
Roman Empire better than the all-you-can-eat buffet," they
wrote in their first issue after a hearty meal at a place called
Casita Flameada. "The Romans called their buffet an orgy
and threw in sex and a vomit trough. Hopefully we too will reach
this pinnacle someday."
In the interest of preserving
the self-indulgent gluttony that keeps America full, we hereby
disgorge our 10-step program for busting all-you-can-eat buffets.
Fellow buffeteers, go forth and plunder!
(1) Go to buffets hungry, but not on an empty stomach. Sometimes,
when I'm really hungry, I start feeling Lasorda sick. I guess
this is God's gift to the terminally famished. A little food
keeps your stomach stretched out, which maximizes that great
(2) Develop a plan of attack. Whether it's salad to entree
to dessert or vice versa, remain steadfast to the pattern that
will develop as the buffet monkey sinks its claws into your ever-willing
(3) Do not "hot-dog" through the line on your first
trip. It's a buffet, chowderhead! It was there when you walked
in and it'll be there when you're full. It's fun to go for seconds!
(4) Always sample a wide array of food. Try a little bit of
everything (as long as you're with a consenting adult and there
is no violence involved). If the food is hard to swallow, simply
push it aside and try something else, got it?
(5) Eat some greens and bread if you can get them. OK, we're
making a little concession to that stupid healthy lifestyle thing.
So what? Fiber keeps the digestive freight train rolling solid.
That way, all those cancerous food additives don't have time
to hook up with a cute enzyme.
(6) Don't eat too much cheese or breaded foods. Overdoing
these staples inhibits your ability to down mass quantities of
meatthe "money food."
(7) Drink water. For one, it's free. Two, it won't fill you
(8) Avoid bender-mixing. Ecchleasyassees tells us there's
a time to gorge and a time to imbibe, but commingling such vices
casts abomination unto thy guttocks! Maybe you get drunk before
eating because it's "cool," or because you think it
will enhance your performance. We're sure 17-year-old Burton
Dill of Ponder, Texas thought the same thing when he tried to
battle the HomeTown Buffet after drinking two Mickey's Bigmouths.
Burton didn't make it to the bathroom.
(9) Don't be ashamed of your gluttony. Women especially should
not buy into the media lies designed to turn you into an anorexic
waif. Any man worth his bulk will love a woman who holds her
own at the trough.
(10) Eat slow. Fast food has bastardized the beautiful art
of eating into just another boring bodily function, like sex.
Fight back by taking the buffet nice and slow. Make conversation.
If you're alone, bring a book or religious tract. Remember, a
buffet isn't just a meal, it's a Great Entertainment Value. Don't
eat to livelive to eat!