Ass ShaverExcerpted from Pathetic
the strangest response yet, to my "I'll do anything legal
for five dollars an hour" posterettes. A guy called my voice
mail this morning, and read my entire ad into the machine, noticeably
lingering at the part where I say I'll do "yucky stuff"
would be emptying bedpans or something, but nobody's asked me
to do anything more disgusting than babysitting....until now.
I called back to see what
he wanted, and he hemmed and hawed embarrassedly for a few seconds
till he got up the nerve to get to the point. "I'm really
a hairy guy," he said, "and I've got a really hair
butt. Then there was a long silence, and I think he expected
to hear me hang up. "It's very difficult," he continued,
"to wipe myself, because shit gets stuck in my hair. And
sometimes the hair gets caught in my underwear..."
"You need someone to
shave your ass?"
I thought this over for a
few dozen heartbeats. "Well," I said, "I'll tell
you what. I've been sick. I'm still sick, and this sounds like
work that might make me sicker. Give me another week or so to
get my strength back, and I'll shave your ass, okay?"
"Great," he said.
I ain't looking forward to
it, but I do need the money.
back the guy with the hairy asslet's call him Harryto
clarify a few things. "First off," I said, "my
rate is five dollars an hour, but this sounds like it won't take
ten minutes. There's a four-hour minimum, so it'll cost twenty
he said. "No problem."
"I'll be in the city
tomorrow evening. Is that good for you?" He said it was,
gave me his address, and told me to be there at 6 p.m.
"Now either you provide
the shaving necessities, and rubber gloves, or I'll buy 'em and
"I've got shaving stuff,"
he said, "but I don't have any rubber gloves."
"I'll bring the gloves
then. Four bucks extra."
"Okay," he said
complacently. That's four bucks more profit, because there are
rubber gloves everywhere at Black Sheets, the sex magazine where
I do some work. I'll just ask the editor, Bill, and take a pair.
I'd also appreciate it if
you'd shower just before I get there."
"I'm planning to,"
"All right then,"
I said. "See you tomorrow." Yeah, I'll see more of
you than I really want to see, tomorrow.
I arrived at Harry's house right on time. We
shook hands, he invited me in, and I was discretely looking the
situation over, but everything appeared on the level. He seemed
embarrassed, and I told him not to be.
On the living room carpet,
he had already spread out some newspapers. "I figured I'd
be on the floor, on all fours," he said, "and you can
sit on this chair." I nodded, and put on the gloves while
he went into the bathroom. He came back with a Bic disposable
razor, a can of shaving cream, and a towel.
"Ready when you are,"
I said. He took his shoes and socks off, then his pants and underwear,
and assumed the position, naked from the waist down. His asshole
gaped open at me, but what really startled me was the hairman,
his butt was almost as hairy as my face, and I've got a short
beard. It was hairy like Esau. Hairy like an Angora sweater.
There was hair everywhere. With a comb, I could've parted it.
As promised, he'd obviously
showered; everything was clean. So I sat behind his behind, lathered
him up, and gently sheared him. This being San Francisco, I half-expected
to see him getting off on it, but apparently it wasn't a turn-on.
And boy, he needed the service was providing. I felt I
was truly making his life better. It must be frustrating to always
have yesterday's shit stuck to the hair in your crack.
At one point, everything I
was looking at sorta tightened up for a few seconds, contracted
just a bit. I didn't ask, but I think the guy was holding a fart,
and I really appreciated the effort.
Didn't want to shave all of
both cheeks, because I figured that would leave his whole bottom
itchy and scratchy for a few weeks whenever he sat down. Instead
I left a bald circle extending several inches around his sphincter;
beyond this was the almost ape-like hairiness remained untrimmed.
Then I gently toweled him dry. "I'll let you tell me whether
it's a close enough shave," I said.
Still on his hands and knees,
he tentatively fingered the inches around his anus, shook his
head yes, and quietly stood up and got dressed. "Smooth
as a baby's butt" is the cliché I was waiting to
hear. Thought of asking if he had some aftershave to slap on,
but he seemed completely ill at ease, so I didn't make any jokes,
just discarded the gloves and washed my hands in the bathroom.
At the front door, he thanked
me, gave me three tens and said to keep the change. Thirty bucks
for about 15 minutes work made me a happy man, so I decided to
make him a happy customer. "Hope you're not embarrassed,"
I said. "I've done this before, you know."
"You have?" His
Of course I haven't. "Sure,"
I said. "It's not that unusual." That's what every
weirdo wants to hear, I supposethat he's not so weird after
"I just," he stammered.
"I just really appreciate this."
"Happy to be a help,"
I said. "Call me if the stubble starts to itch."